GETTING OLD

Today I am taking a break from the 'Giant Bathing Suit' diaries to share my thoughts on one of the many unpleasant ass-pects of getting old. Will return to the previous topic in a few days.

Due to both family history and personal issues, I had my 4th colonoscopy today. While the actual test brings with it many opportunities to laugh (if it's someone else's test), the preparation for the test is so awful I can't believe a MAN hasn't invented a less miserable way to get ready, given that the test is one the male gender also must have, beginning around age 55. I told my doctor today that he would be rich if only he would invent a pleasant-tasting 'beverage' that one could drink about 2 ounces of, as opposed to the 4 liters of oh-my-God-I-want-to-die liquid also known as Trilyte (or Golytely, Colyte or Nulytely). That is some nasty stuff.

I've been dreading the prep for the test so much, I've rescheduled twice, meaning I've not been able to take my baby aspirin OR my anti-inflammatory meds in 3 weeks. These 3 weeks have been pure hell, but I just did not want to spend a day drinking something that made me want to vomit, but would actually make me do something else. Drink crap. Expel crap. Times about 75.
Since I could not put the test off any longer (and, yes, I did consider cancelling even though it would have cost me $75...I REALLY did not want to do this prep), yesterday I mixed up the '$hit potion' and added the flavor packet of my choice (orange). By the way, the flavor packet's only function is to make the concoction SMELL like orange, pineapple, mixed berry, or lemon. There is no change to the taste of the product. I'm gagging, just writing about it. I guess it's still too fresh in my mind.

So yesterday was awful, and the horror lasted until late at night. Finally I slept. I woke up this morning hoping that I drank enough of the nastiness to not be sent home, test not given and me $75 lighter because I didn't do it right. Actually, I only drank less than half of it. I just could not drink any more. So I was hoping.

My friend, Eddie, got here around 8:00 to drive me to the place. I figured today's part would be a walk in the park after yesterday. Although my test was scheduled for 10:30, I was told many times that I had to be there at 9:30. For some reason, though, I was not taken back until 10:40. I'm going to send them a bill for $75 and see what happens. I'll keep you posted.

Once I was called back, I was told to get naked and in a gown and then get on the bed and cover up with the sheet. Then the nurse came in with the anesthesiologist to give me my IV and go over a whole bunch of boring questions. By the time they wheeled me into the procedure room, I had cried 4 times and was talking non-stop. Then nothing. The next thing I knew Eddie was standing at the foot of the bed, with the nurse telling me that I could leave just as soon as I farted a bunch, in order to get out all of the air they blew me up with. Oh how nice. She asked me if I could cut the cheese easier if Eddie wasn't there. I nodded, and he literally RAN out of the room, which is sort of funny, given that farting is almost an Olympic event to just about every man alive, Eddie included.

I don't remember anything else until I was being wheeled to the car. I guess I must have farted sufficiently to be released. I do remember the guy in the next curtained area letting them go so loudly it sounded like he was sitting on an aluminum bleacher. He laughed every time, too. Men have no shame.

Eddie and I stopped off at a drive-thru for a bite to eat, and then he drove me home. Oh, and he casually tossed me a paper, telling me, "By the way, the doctor gave me these pictures of the inside of your butthole. I thought you'd want them."

I'm so proud.