Today I received a call from CeCe, giving me some 'are you sitting down' news.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Friday, August 7, 2009
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Moving right along
I woke up this morning knowing that today was the right day to move on with my life, minus Eddie. Things have been getting more and more just like they were when we 'went out' last year. I use the quotation marks because we've never actually gone on a date. Our whole relationship has been about him coming over to my house, me entertaining him and cooking for him, and then him leaving. We don't even talk on the phone much anymore because he watches tv and doesn't listen to me so I've stopped saying anything. And he was not being at all understanding about my limitations and pain. I printed a summary of what I go through about a month ago. Although I've asked him at least 10 times about it, he has never even bothered to read the pages. Oh, and I just found out that, exactly like last year, nobody knows about me...none of his friends even know he's been seeing anyone for the last 5 (?) months
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
GETTING OLD
Today I am taking a break from the 'Giant Bathing Suit' diaries to share my thoughts on one of the many unpleasant ass-pects of getting old. Will return to the previous topic in a few days.
Due to both family history and personal issues, I had my 4th colonoscopy today. While the actual test brings with it many opportunities to laugh (if it's someone else's test), the preparation for the test is so awful I can't believe a MAN hasn't invented a less miserable way to get ready, given that the test is one the male gender also must have, beginning around age 55. I told my doctor today that he would be rich if only he would invent a pleasant-tasting 'beverage' that one could drink about 2 ounces of, as opposed to the 4 liters of oh-my-God-I-want-to-die liquid also known as Trilyte (or Golytely, Colyte or Nulytely). That is some nasty stuff.
I've been dreading the prep for the test so much, I've rescheduled twice, meaning I've not been able to take my baby aspirin OR my anti-inflammatory meds in 3 weeks. These 3 weeks have been pure hell, but I just did not want to spend a day drinking something that made me want to vomit, but would actually make me do something else. Drink crap. Expel crap. Times about 75.
Since I could not put the test off any longer (and, yes, I did consider cancelling even though it would have cost me $75...I REALLY did not want to do this prep), yesterday I mixed up the '$hit potion' and added the flavor packet of my choice (orange). By the way, the flavor packet's only function is to make the concoction SMELL like orange, pineapple, mixed berry, or lemon. There is no change to the taste of the product. I'm gagging, just writing about it. I guess it's still too fresh in my mind.
So yesterday was awful, and the horror lasted until late at night. Finally I slept. I woke up this morning hoping that I drank enough of the nastiness to not be sent home, test not given and me $75 lighter because I didn't do it right. Actually, I only drank less than half of it. I just could not drink any more. So I was hoping.
My friend, Eddie, got here around 8:00 to drive me to the place. I figured today's part would be a walk in the park after yesterday. Although my test was scheduled for 10:30, I was told many times that I had to be there at 9:30. For some reason, though, I was not taken back until 10:40. I'm going to send them a bill for $75 and see what happens. I'll keep you posted.
Once I was called back, I was told to get naked and in a gown and then get on the bed and cover up with the sheet. Then the nurse came in with the anesthesiologist to give me my IV and go over a whole bunch of boring questions. By the time they wheeled me into the procedure room, I had cried 4 times and was talking non-stop. Then nothing. The next thing I knew Eddie was standing at the foot of the bed, with the nurse telling me that I could leave just as soon as I farted a bunch, in order to get out all of the air they blew me up with. Oh how nice. She asked me if I could cut the cheese easier if Eddie wasn't there. I nodded, and he literally RAN out of the room, which is sort of funny, given that farting is almost an Olympic event to just about every man alive, Eddie included.
I don't remember anything else until I was being wheeled to the car. I guess I must have farted sufficiently to be released. I do remember the guy in the next curtained area letting them go so loudly it sounded like he was sitting on an aluminum bleacher. He laughed every time, too. Men have no shame.
Eddie and I stopped off at a drive-thru for a bite to eat, and then he drove me home. Oh, and he casually tossed me a paper, telling me, "By the way, the doctor gave me these pictures of the inside of your butthole. I thought you'd want them."
I'm so proud.
Due to both family history and personal issues, I had my 4th colonoscopy today. While the actual test brings with it many opportunities to laugh (if it's someone else's test), the preparation for the test is so awful I can't believe a MAN hasn't invented a less miserable way to get ready, given that the test is one the male gender also must have, beginning around age 55. I told my doctor today that he would be rich if only he would invent a pleasant-tasting 'beverage' that one could drink about 2 ounces of, as opposed to the 4 liters of oh-my-God-I-want-to-die liquid also known as Trilyte (or Golytely, Colyte or Nulytely). That is some nasty stuff.
I've been dreading the prep for the test so much, I've rescheduled twice, meaning I've not been able to take my baby aspirin OR my anti-inflammatory meds in 3 weeks. These 3 weeks have been pure hell, but I just did not want to spend a day drinking something that made me want to vomit, but would actually make me do something else. Drink crap. Expel crap. Times about 75.
Since I could not put the test off any longer (and, yes, I did consider cancelling even though it would have cost me $75...I REALLY did not want to do this prep), yesterday I mixed up the '$hit potion' and added the flavor packet of my choice (orange). By the way, the flavor packet's only function is to make the concoction SMELL like orange, pineapple, mixed berry, or lemon. There is no change to the taste of the product. I'm gagging, just writing about it. I guess it's still too fresh in my mind.
So yesterday was awful, and the horror lasted until late at night. Finally I slept. I woke up this morning hoping that I drank enough of the nastiness to not be sent home, test not given and me $75 lighter because I didn't do it right. Actually, I only drank less than half of it. I just could not drink any more. So I was hoping.
My friend, Eddie, got here around 8:00 to drive me to the place. I figured today's part would be a walk in the park after yesterday. Although my test was scheduled for 10:30, I was told many times that I had to be there at 9:30. For some reason, though, I was not taken back until 10:40. I'm going to send them a bill for $75 and see what happens. I'll keep you posted.
Once I was called back, I was told to get naked and in a gown and then get on the bed and cover up with the sheet. Then the nurse came in with the anesthesiologist to give me my IV and go over a whole bunch of boring questions. By the time they wheeled me into the procedure room, I had cried 4 times and was talking non-stop. Then nothing. The next thing I knew Eddie was standing at the foot of the bed, with the nurse telling me that I could leave just as soon as I farted a bunch, in order to get out all of the air they blew me up with. Oh how nice. She asked me if I could cut the cheese easier if Eddie wasn't there. I nodded, and he literally RAN out of the room, which is sort of funny, given that farting is almost an Olympic event to just about every man alive, Eddie included.
I don't remember anything else until I was being wheeled to the car. I guess I must have farted sufficiently to be released. I do remember the guy in the next curtained area letting them go so loudly it sounded like he was sitting on an aluminum bleacher. He laughed every time, too. Men have no shame.
Eddie and I stopped off at a drive-thru for a bite to eat, and then he drove me home. Oh, and he casually tossed me a paper, telling me, "By the way, the doctor gave me these pictures of the inside of your butthole. I thought you'd want them."
I'm so proud.
Friday, July 17, 2009
THE GIANT BATHING SUIT Part 3
Today the giant bathing suit made it's third appearance. At first I didn't want to go, but decided that the third time would just HAVE to be a charm. So I suited up and drove to the pool.
After very carefully backing in to the handicapped parking space (and making damn sure I wasn't over the line this time) I got my stuff together and went inside. I checked in and walked to the pool, where I found an empty bench to put my stuff on. I took my shirt off, exposing the GIANT BATHING SUIT. I was very prepared to ignore everyone and just get in and do my thing. There was lots of noise, and much activity on the sides of the pool. I went in toward the middle and started doing my exercises. After about 10 minutes I realized that although there were many people in the area, I was the only one in the pool. I started looking around, and saw that everyone else was sitting on the sides of the pool. I went to a lady who was sitting closest to me and asked what was going on. She told me that the park people were testing the pool water and doing some cleaning, and everyone had been asked to leave the pool for 15 minutes. Oh how nice. No wonder everyone was looking at me. Again.
I got out and sat down on the side with everyone else, and just as my butt hit the concrete the lifeguard blew the whistle and said that everyone could go back in. Of course.
I spent the next 30 minutes burning off thousands of calories, I'm sure. Okay, maybe hundreds. But at least I did it. In the GIANT BATHING SUIT.
Later on I went to Kroger to get some Bing cherries. They are on sale this week and I bought 1 pound the other day but didn't taste one until last night. That's when I found out how yummy they are. So I decided to go back and get two more pounds. When I got home I started eating the pound I bought the other day. Somehow I ate the whole pound. Then I wrote something on FaceBook about having a bunch of Bing cherries, and someone kindly informed me that these cherries cause what Martha used to call 'the screaming meanies'.
Will this explosion hit me during the night, at the pool tomorrow (where it would be impossible to pull that 'girdle dress' of a bathing suit off in time), or at Archiver's tomorrow night. Great. Can't wait. I haven't shit myself in many years. Please, God, let this happen when I am at home, with no visitors, and have the luxury of my own bathroom. Please don't let me have a blowout in public!
HEY...maybe I can just eat some Bing cherries before my colonoscopy next week and that way I won't have to drink that awful stuff they make you drink to 'clean out your system'. Wonder if that would work? I guess I'll know by tomorrow.
Until then...
Thursday, July 16, 2009
THE GIANT BATHING SUIT Days 1 and 2
Day 1
I went to the pool at Bogan Park for the first time. I have not been swimming in many years. My doctor won't get off my tail about exercising, and this is the only thing he wants me to do because of the nature of my illnesses. Of course. The one 'sport' in which you have to wear something that shows your body. Oh, and at Bogan Park Aquatics Center, they do not allow shorts, sports bras, or t-shirts. Oh how nice.
First off, I went in and had to go to my 'happy place' as I walked from the bench where I had put my towel, shirt, and keys. I tried to act nonchalant about the whole thing, but I was just about to die of emarrassment. Did I mention that my giant bathing suit has a skirt on it?
I managed to get in the pool and started doing the exercises I learned at my 'old lady arthritis class' a couple of years ago. I stayed in about 35 minutes and then got out, got to my stuff, and practically RAN out of there and to my car.
I am not happy about having to do this exercise, but evidently I don't have any choice. DAMN!
When I got home I took two showers and still couldn't get the smell of chlorine out of my nose. Not that I'm complaining about the chlorine. I could just imagine all of those kids peeing in the pool, so no amount of chlorine is too much!
This is similar to the GIANT BATHING SUIT, except mine is a bit uglier and a lot bigger.
Day 2
So today I went back to the pool. I was minding my own business when I heard someone say, "Miss Adams?" When I turned around it was the girl who checked me in. She said, "These men need to speak with you." The men being 2 cops. I nearly had a heart attack first off, because I immediately thought something must be wrong with Trey. So I looked at them and they 'asked' me to step out of the pool and come into the breezeway so we could talk. At this point I have already crapped myself three times. (not really)
I got out of the pool, got my towel and flip flops, and walked out with them. Of course EVERYONE at the pool was watching the whole thing, so blending in and not having the GIANT BATHING SUIT noticed became out of the question. After I followed them, one told me that I needed to move my car because I was 'over the line' in the handicapped space. I told him that I have a handicapped tag but he said that my tire was over the line for the ramp to the sidewalk and I needed to move in case a wheelchair needed access to the pool. I told him that I am handicapped and that's the best parking I could do. Ha. Ha. Ha. They didn't laugh. They just got on their BIKES (as in BICYCLES) and watched me re-park my car. Then they told me just to always park between the two lines. Really?
I thought about just leaving but I had left some stuff inside. So I went in to get my items, planning to leave, since EVERYONE was staring at me again. But I figured that I was already in there, so I might as well get back in. I did, and exercised another half hour.
This exercise thing better work, what, with all of the mortification I am experiencing.
Oh, and I saw a female with a t-shirt on UNDER her swimsuit. Nice, huh? Only in Buford.
I went to the pool at Bogan Park for the first time. I have not been swimming in many years. My doctor won't get off my tail about exercising, and this is the only thing he wants me to do because of the nature of my illnesses. Of course. The one 'sport' in which you have to wear something that shows your body. Oh, and at Bogan Park Aquatics Center, they do not allow shorts, sports bras, or t-shirts. Oh how nice.
First off, I went in and had to go to my 'happy place' as I walked from the bench where I had put my towel, shirt, and keys. I tried to act nonchalant about the whole thing, but I was just about to die of emarrassment. Did I mention that my giant bathing suit has a skirt on it?
I managed to get in the pool and started doing the exercises I learned at my 'old lady arthritis class' a couple of years ago. I stayed in about 35 minutes and then got out, got to my stuff, and practically RAN out of there and to my car.
I am not happy about having to do this exercise, but evidently I don't have any choice. DAMN!
When I got home I took two showers and still couldn't get the smell of chlorine out of my nose. Not that I'm complaining about the chlorine. I could just imagine all of those kids peeing in the pool, so no amount of chlorine is too much!
This is similar to the GIANT BATHING SUIT, except mine is a bit uglier and a lot bigger.
Day 2
So today I went back to the pool. I was minding my own business when I heard someone say, "Miss Adams?" When I turned around it was the girl who checked me in. She said, "These men need to speak with you." The men being 2 cops. I nearly had a heart attack first off, because I immediately thought something must be wrong with Trey. So I looked at them and they 'asked' me to step out of the pool and come into the breezeway so we could talk. At this point I have already crapped myself three times. (not really)
I got out of the pool, got my towel and flip flops, and walked out with them. Of course EVERYONE at the pool was watching the whole thing, so blending in and not having the GIANT BATHING SUIT noticed became out of the question. After I followed them, one told me that I needed to move my car because I was 'over the line' in the handicapped space. I told him that I have a handicapped tag but he said that my tire was over the line for the ramp to the sidewalk and I needed to move in case a wheelchair needed access to the pool. I told him that I am handicapped and that's the best parking I could do. Ha. Ha. Ha. They didn't laugh. They just got on their BIKES (as in BICYCLES) and watched me re-park my car. Then they told me just to always park between the two lines. Really?
I thought about just leaving but I had left some stuff inside. So I went in to get my items, planning to leave, since EVERYONE was staring at me again. But I figured that I was already in there, so I might as well get back in. I did, and exercised another half hour.
This exercise thing better work, what, with all of the mortification I am experiencing.
Oh, and I saw a female with a t-shirt on UNDER her swimsuit. Nice, huh? Only in Buford.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Doctor appointments
After canceling three times, tomorrow I will pay a visit to my new GI doctor. I'm so excited. And I just can't hide it. I am two years overdue to have a colonoscopy. Since my grandfather had colon cancer and I had some 'issues' in my 20's, I have to have this test on a regular basis. At that time, my doctor told me that had I waited to be tested until the suggested age of 50, I would have already had cancer. (He just knew, nosey!)
Anyway, I am overdue and know this new guy will make me have the ass-cam again. I think I could probably stand the test, since they put me to sleep, but the preparation is a bitch. Just ask my siblings, as they all had to have colonoscopies after I received my results from that first test. Lucky for them, none had any problems, but they were not happy with me for causing them to have the butt-light so early in their lives.
So I will go tomorrow and will tell the doctor he MUST come up with some other way to 'prepare' for the test besides drinking that disgusting liquid. Just thinking about it just made my stomach turn over. I am NOT drinking ANYTHING. He will just have to come up with some other way. There's got to be some other way to cause a person to have a blow-out. I'm putting my foot down. Let's see if tomorrow at this time I still have a doctor.
Good grief, I just remembered that I haven't re-scheduled my appointment for my mammogram, either. Was supposed to have it in February. There is simply nothing like a good boob-flattening to make your day perfect.
Getting old sure is a bitch. My friend, Martha, used to say that if she'd known she was going to live this long she would have taken better care of herself. She died last year. I'm just sayin'.
Anyway, I am overdue and know this new guy will make me have the ass-cam again. I think I could probably stand the test, since they put me to sleep, but the preparation is a bitch. Just ask my siblings, as they all had to have colonoscopies after I received my results from that first test. Lucky for them, none had any problems, but they were not happy with me for causing them to have the butt-light so early in their lives.
So I will go tomorrow and will tell the doctor he MUST come up with some other way to 'prepare' for the test besides drinking that disgusting liquid. Just thinking about it just made my stomach turn over. I am NOT drinking ANYTHING. He will just have to come up with some other way. There's got to be some other way to cause a person to have a blow-out. I'm putting my foot down. Let's see if tomorrow at this time I still have a doctor.
Good grief, I just remembered that I haven't re-scheduled my appointment for my mammogram, either. Was supposed to have it in February. There is simply nothing like a good boob-flattening to make your day perfect.
Getting old sure is a bitch. My friend, Martha, used to say that if she'd known she was going to live this long she would have taken better care of herself. She died last year. I'm just sayin'.
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